Hello again, I have another Twine game I'd like you to try, so I've hijacked this old thread of mine to post it. I call the game Midnight Room. I decided to break the game up into parts, so this is part one.

http://www.mediafire.com/download/a1754 ... 1-023.html

Thanks.

/* earlier post
Hello. I have a game that I'd like people to test. It is a text only game I built in Twine called Next Door Girl April. As for the story, here is a brief description:

Widowed after a loving marriage, Donald Hardeman leads a quiet, secluded life in a big empty home. Donald maintains a small electronics import business to fill his otherwise misery filled days. He wakes to a large empty bed, goes to his home office to tend the daily orders and then cries his memories away at night. Donald longs for the feeling of a woman's warm touch, but he hasn't yet recovered from the tragic loss of his wife Nellie and subsequent disappearance of his adult son Raymond. Donald's world turns upside down with the sudden appearance of a familiar face from the past, that of the next door girl April, who has blossomed into a beautiful young woman.

UPDATE: Updated the game to version 035. http://www.mediafire.com/download/nkt3uk5fdb6zwx9/NDGA_035.zip

Older versions and things can be found here:
http://bunkville.blogspot.com/

Thanks
*/

Hi prayForPlague,

I've looked at the first several pages so far, and I like what I'm seeing. There is just a hint of humor in your writing that keeps the story engaging. It brings me back to the days of Wizardry, Hitchikers Guide, and Zork text adventures. Oh, the Grue's still haunt me with their sinister, lurking presences.

One recommendation that I have is to rework your dialogue a bit. The rest of your story reads like a story, but just as I'm getting involved in it, the dialogue begins with:

You: Say something
She: Say something else.
You: Again say something.

This, at least for me, breaks the spell that the rest of your text begins to weave.

My first build of BEW (on this forum) did the same thing, and I was much happier with the flow when I changed to story style dialogue like you would find in a short story or novel.

Take this for example:

You smile as you look over at her. Walking up to the fence you strike up a conversation.
You: Hi there
her: Hiya
You: what's up?
her: not much.

verses (and I'm not saying the writing is particularly good, just think on the flow),

You smile as you look over at her, "Hi there."
She looks up and her eyes sparkle with recognition, "Hiya"
You walk over and lean on the fence separating the two of you, "What's up?"
"Not much."

I know, crappy writing on my part, but mixing the exposition with the dialogue keeps the flow going. At least for me, that means I get the "movie effect" in my head that lets my imagination loose, allowing me to visualize the story. Done right, I think that's even better than adding 3D pictures. Currently, when I get to the dialogue, that spell is broken and I lose the movie, which is a shame because I am liking the movie during the descriptive parts.

Hopefully this all makes sense outside of my head. I know it will be a considerable amount of rework, but I think it would take up to the next level in quality. Just my two cents. I look forward to the rest of the story when I have more time.

Wolfschadowe

Hey thanks Wolfschadowe, you're dang right! I don't know why I started writing things that way. I guess I was initially unsure how else to keep order with who was saying what. That and I haven't really written anything before aside from game dialogue that followed the same pattern. I'm definitely going to look into making the switch over, but at this point at about 35k words it will be a big task. Actually though, 'You:' and 'April:' are probably about 1k of those words anyway. Thanks again.

Here are a few sites that may help with dialogue.

Short Article.
http://www.tameri.com/write/dialogue.html

Brief information on several categories with links to other pages with more info
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/crafttechnique/tp/dialogue.htm

A longer, deeper article on the philosophy of dialogue in fiction.
http://www.expert-editor.com/id11.html

A quick 10 tips list of dialogue
http://www.alicekuipers.com/10-tips-for-writing-better-dialogue/

Hope these help! Happy revising!

Wolfschadowe

Thanks again Wolfschadowe. I looked through all the articles except the about.com page because I have developed a problem with about for no specific reason throughout the years. I've given the whole thing some thought, and I might just leave the story as it is for part one, but switch up the dialogue for part two. Part two needs to be written still so it's a good excuse to try out a better writing style. Not that I am abandoning part one, but I just need to get working on part two or else cut it.

I hear you. that sounds like a lot of work to go back and redo. I would probably do the same if there's a natural break between part one and part two. I look forward to reading more.

Wolfschadowe.

I played with firefox and I choosed the blue words and read about bunkerville and so on. You can only choose other blue words and have no return option to the story.

Normally I thought you can search the words and maybe you get other informations, can find some things and so on.

At he moment I can see the "blue words" only at the beginning so my thinking wasn´t right.

I found two ends/choice with no text so I think it wasn´t written.

Dole wrote:I played with firefox and I choosed the blue words and read about bunkerville and so on. You can only choose other blue words and have no return option to the story.

Normally I thought you can search the words and maybe you get other informations, can find some things and so on.

At he moment I can see the "blue words" only at the beginning so my thinking wasn´t right.

I found two ends/choice with no text so I think it wasn´t written.

This is a problem I know, but you can use the back button on the browser to return to the previous page. I put a warning in the instructions, but I'll put one on those individual pages also because people might not know they can do that. The real issue is that I haven't been able to add back links that work automatically. There is some kind of bug with Twine back macros, so I would have to add my own logic to take you back to the specific page that sent you to those areas (which I haven't taken time to do). I believe those areas are only description pages that you are seeing and aren't actual endings to the game. Sorry for the confusion about that.

Quick question - is there any sex in this version? I've played for ~20 minutes and got only 3 endings .

t1nm@n wrote:Quick question - is there any sex in this version? I've played for ~20 minutes and got only 3 endings

Asshole, Friendzone & No Boobs for You

.

yes, you require 100 points or more

Someone brought it to my attention a few days back that the values were a little too strict. So I made an update to make it less strict towards the end but forgot to post it here.
[removed link because of host change]
Basically it is the same as version 27 but slightly easier. I didn't originally use modes of difficulty because the changes required for each mode can sometimes lead to a point where you are making different games. My goal is for the game to be challenging but not hard for no reason. In this transition phase into Unity I think I'll take some time to re-balance how the game plays out.

Could someone give me some hints? The most I've been able to get in the first part is 80 and nothing in the post card game part.

t1nm@n wrote:Could someone give me some hints? The most I've been able to get in the first part is 80 and nothing in the post card game part.

The following is probably the issue.

Have you tried posting this game on the AIF Archives? You might find more players that way.

mugen24 wrote:Have you tried posting this game on the AIF Archives? You might find more players that way.

He/she released the game there a few weeks before he/she released it here... but the game wasn`t uploaded to the files section...